Copium

Lately I've stopped having emotions. 

I think I've lose the ability to feel emotions.

Except for one or two emotions, there's nothing.

It's better this way than having emotions and having to express them and deal with them. 

I've been an emotional person years back until the rational thinking kicked in.

Still there was lot of emotions going on until last week or so.

Even though I'm more of a materialist I've always believed in destiny in my own way. I don't feel or understand love but I believe in something called true love, something pure, something beyond our comprehension.

I don't know if these destiny and true love actually exist at all.

I don't even feel numb, emotionally nor physically. I'm healthy, I have a healthy amount of sleep, I do my studies. I virtually have no problem at all when I think about it.

Still, I wonder, Is not having emotions a problem?

What is it so much about emotions anyway.

Does having emotions make us human.

Animals do have emotions.

Does knowing that we're having emotions make us human.

I know that I'm not having emotions, what does that make me.

I've figured a explanation.

Since the no emotions outbreak I've tested myself with different medias which usually convey heavy emotions. Movie scenes, songs, essays. 

At some extreme points I feel an indomitable urge inside to feel and express the emotions. But I feel it's too weak, too numb. It means whatever the organ that makes us feel emotions. Let's call it heart. I feel a numbness, tiredness in this heart. I'm not sure if it's a tiredness at all. 

Picture this, a cat inside a box closed with a lid. Cat's trying to escape and at the last moments you see the lid's moving, just moving but still keeping the cat locked inside. The lid looks like it's tired, it can't hold it anymore like it's taking its last breaths. But when you think about it the other way the lid's at its maximum work rate. It's using its all strength to do its job, keeping the cat inside. It's not taking its last breath it's taking its heaviest breath. 

Let emotions be the cat, box the heart, lid a barrier.

I've been feeling emotions as normally would, too much sometimes. Too much most of the time maybe. These emotions may have hurt or started to hurt my existence. As it always have existence must preserve, life must preserve.

So the invisible power inside choose to eliminate this evil threat forming against life, against existence. Chose to create a coping mechanisms in the form of a barrier, a lid.

This barrier start to hold all the emotions, to trap all the emotions right where they are born. Except may be for the emotions which are crucial for the continuity of existence.

Existence must always preserve.

Henceforth I've stopped having emotions.

When there's a xtreme emotion, a strong cat, the lid looks like it's taking its last breaths. It feels the whole box is tired of having the cat but in reality the heart is tired of keeping these emotions locked inside not of having them, not of creating them.

-gata

Painting - Solitude by Daler Usmonov (2015)